Blown Up Drama
by Equalrights4animals
Summary: What if the Pahkitew Island contestants had failed to turn off the self-destruct sequence and the island actually exploded? Desperate to save his show, Chris finds some newbies he can force to compete, and hide the fact that he forced them. But no one's happy to be on the show that blew up its previous contestants, and Chris has some plans for the few surviving Pahkitew Islanders.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Total Drama bla bla bla

Blown Up Drama

Chapter 1

"So here's the deal!" Chris announced to the less than eager teenagers. "As you may or may not know, our last island recently blew up leaving our contestants…well, unable to keep competing. Lawsuits are expensive, so we need some TV revenue FAST. Since we've all ended up on this nearby island, I've decided were gonna do a quick little Total Drama season starting now, and you're gonna compete!"

The teens looked as if they'd been asked to test out a minefield.

"Whoa, I'm not about to be on a show where the last contestants DIED!" a particularly nervous redheaded girl protested. "

Don't worry, we can't afford any more lawsuits, so we'll make sure to keep you safe…ish." Chris reassured her. "And FYI, half of them survived with only major injuries."

"Half lived? Gee, yay, _what_ an improvement." A boy with emo hair, glasses, and a hood pulled over his head said sarcastically.

"Why are you acting so negative when they didn't _all_ die? Some people sure see the glass as half empty!" Chris complained.

"I totally agree! And I think this game will be great!" said a cheery girl with short black hair.

A tall, thin boy piped up. "I know Leah here can be pretty irrational" He said, pointing to the redhead. "But she has a point, and you're an adult authority figure so fuck you. Just take me home 'cause I'm not play-"

"ZIP IT!" Chris shouted. "Anyone who doesn't play gets to swim home! The rest of you can go home once you've been voted off or won."

"What if-"

"No! Anyone caught trying to lose on purpose will also swim home!" Chris interrupted the tall rebel for the second time.

Chris went on to explain the details of the game, and then the show. "I've talked to the network, and this is a fast season. Episodes will air the day after they're filmed! Thinking of all that, let's introduce you guys to the audience!

Chris signaled the camera crew to start filming and began his introduction.

"Welcome to Total Drama: Not Pahkitew Island! After we lost Pahkitew Island, we found this one, and so did our contestants! Some high schoolers got lost in the wilderness on a science field trip gone horribly wrong, but we found them, brought them here and offered them spots on the show! Welcome our first contestant, Arnold the pessimist!"

The hooded emo-haired teen reluctantly walked into the camera's view.

*Confessional-Arnold*

"Offered? More like forced! What a pitiful attempt to sound heroic. We've been separated from the rest of the school or any civilization for _days_ , and it's obvious everyone wants to just go home! Well on the bright side I'll probably be voted off first. Gee, yay!"

*End confessional*

"Next up, Molly the optimist!" Chris announced. The cheery black-haired girl joined Arnold in front of the camera.

"Thank you Chris! I've never met or been a TV star before so I'm super grateful for the opportunity! I'm nice and confident that I can win this, but if I don't that's okay too."

Chris smiled at her. Arnold rolled his eyes.

"Next, Olivia the Brainiac!"

A short girl with glasses joined Molly and Arnold.

*Confessional-Olivia*

"We were all wearing shorts and tank tops in the wilderness when a suspicious freak blizzard hit! We went to go find shelter and firewood so we wouldn't freeze to death, and ended up separated from the other students and teachers. It would be a highly improbable coincidence if the show, the freak weather and us all just _happened_ to be in the same area. Now I'm not saying the show somehow _caused_ us to get lost, but Chris did manage to blow up a whole island! Forget it. I'm saying maybe the show did cause-"

*End confessional*

Chris introduced the fourth contestant. "Jason the rebel!"

Nobody came on screen.

"Jason! Get in the shot!"

"I don't take commands!" The tall boy shouted back, not moving.

"Okay, I guess everyone else will be TV famous except you!" Chris teased. Jason reluctantly entered the camera's view while giving the video editors some extra work with a certain hand gesture.

"Leah the scardy cat!" Chris introduced the redhead girl.

"I'm not scared, I'm just well aware of the risks of this show!" She protested. "I'm also simply aware of the risks of driving, flying, boating, motorcycling, camping, sitting in your own home, sitting too much in general, standing too much, living in Toronto, living in Vancouver, living in…"

"Enough!" Chris shouted. He went on to introduce Jane the popular queen, Nelly the know-it-all, Nick the unathletic short guy, Arianna the cute dumb girl, John the violence lover, Lucy the tech addict, and finally Ryan the wishy washy.

"Yo Ryan, that upcoming Ridonculous Race show just announced their cast and there's a Ryan on the list. Is that you?" Chris asked.

"Nah, I'm not that Ryan"

"Good, 'cause anyone can do better than that Ridonculame whatever! Your name is officially Not That Ryan!"

"Hey! I don't wanna be the new Samey! Although I guess being not that Ryan is better than being that Ryan. Or is it?"

"We'll be using the team names we were gonna use on Pahkitew Island until Chef screwed it up." Chris explained.

"Hey!" Chef shouted.

"Jason, John, Arianna, Arnold, Molly, Jane, you guys are the Soaring Eagles! Olivia, Nick, Nelly, Leah, Lucy, Not That Ryan, you guys are the Ferocious Tigers!

*Confessional-Nick*

"Finally! A team I wasn't picked last for!"

"Only because he called the names at random! If the selection was based on athletic talent it would've had the same result as always, which is you being last, therefore it's a fallacy to claim this selection redeems you from gym class." Nelly shouted from outside the confessional.

"I never claimed that, and it's a fallacy for you to claim I claimed it!"

"You implied it! I'm a straight A student don't tell me I'm wrong!"

"'I'm a straight A student don't tell me I'm wrong' is a grammatically incorrect sentence." Olivia joined in on the conversation from outside the confessional. "It should be I'm a straight A student _so_ don't tell me I'm wrong or-"

"Don't correct me fuck you both!" Nelly snapped.

*End confessional*

"Wow, you Tigers are getting along terribly. I like it!" Chris sneered. "It's gonna rain tonight, so your challenge is to build a shelter! This time there's no junk pile, so you'll have to go into the woods and find the materials yourselves! Watch out for dangerous animals! Let me know when you're finished, since the team that finishes first wins immunity! But there's a catch! If you finish first but your shelter is soaking wet by tomorrow, the _other_ team automatically wins immunity, even if theirs is wet too! So keep them dry! Tomorrow I'll announce the final winner, and one loser will be voted off! GO!"

The two teams ran off into the woods.

* * *

The Eagles gathered at a clearing.

"Let's build our shelter here. Lots of space!" Jane suggested. Everyone nodded in agreement except for Jason.

"No, we should build it under the trees where it'll stay drier!" Jason rebutted.

"There's more space here." Jane argued.

"Who thinks I should be team captain since I'm the most popular girl in the school?" Everyone except Jason raised their hand.

"And who's in favor of building our shelter in the clearing?" Again, all hands went up except for Jason's.

"Sorry Jason, you're outvoted" Jane declared.

"Well if your idea gets our shelter soaked someone could be literally _out_ voted!" Jason complained.

Jane responded by asking "Who will vote with me as long as I don't vote for you?" Everyone raised their hand except Jason for the third time.

"Then problem solved! If we lose our first boot will be one easy decision!" Jane stopped talking when she noticed Jason had left. He immediately returned easily carrying way more materials than anyone else could possibly lift.

"Or maybe not so easy…" Jane muttered.

* * *

As soon as the Tigers decided on a spot to build their shelter, Nelly and Olivia asked if they could split up from the team to go look for materials. But the second they were alone, shelter building left the conversation.

"Since we're the brains of this team, wanna form an alliance?" They both asked at the same time.

"Sure!" They both answered.

*Confessional-Olivia*

"This is great! I've always wanted to be friends with her in school, but she's never liked me very much. I just hope I can really trust her."

*End confessional*

*Confessional-Nelly*

"Alliances are temporary, including this one. Her brains make her a threat."

*End confessional*

"Let's head back to the team" Nelly suggested and started walking.

"Wait! We need to get some actual materials first! Our teammates could suspicious if we return empty handed." Olivia pointed out.

"I guess you're right" Nelly responded.

*Confessional-Nelly*

"AARGH! I can't stand being corrected by her, or anyone! But I can't get too mad or she'll suspect we're not really allies."

*End confessional*

*Confessional-Olivia*

"I can't believe she didn't get mad. That's not normal of her. Is she hiding something?"

*End Confessional*

The two girls returned with some materials to the Tigers' shelter building site, only to find that no one had even started to plan or build it, and all their teammates were absent. They both gasped in horror.

"Where are they…do you think…" Nelly started.

"Yep. I bet they're off forming a counter-alliance against us." Olivia said.

"I thought so!" Nelly snarled. She dropped her materials. "Forget the shelter! We've gotta find them and stop them!"

The rest of the Tigers followed Lucy as she held her phone out, searching for internet coverage. None of them were thinking about the game or strategy. They crept towards Chris's cabin.

"I FOUND WIFI!" Lucy shouted.

"Shhhh, you'll get us caught!" Leah reminded her.

"Can you connect?! Is there a password?!" Everyone asked excitedly.

"I'm connected!"

"Yes! Send a help message! Tell everyone we're trapped on this deadly TV show!" Leah suggested.

"I don't think that's much of a secret considering how we're _on TV_." Nick pointed out. "No one's coming for us because no one knows where we are, and neither do we. All we know is we're near Pahkitew Former-Island, and we can't even narrow it down to the general field-trip area. Chris took us away from there to get us here, remember?"

"What was Chris doing in the field trip area anyway? Why would he leave this island if he wasn't going to civilization?" Nick wondered. Lucy changed the subject before he could raise any more questions.

"Ooh, I'm looking up our show! OMFG check out this promo pic! Finally there's a picture of me on the internet with more than two likes!" She paused for a moment. "Hey, why does the internet say fifteen episodes? There's only twelve of us."

"Whoa, could there be a twist?" Not That Ryan speculated. "Actually, there's probably just some non-elimination episodes. I wouldn't think too hard about it."

Olivia and Nelly peered through the bushes at the gathering of nervously whispering contestants. They had no way of knowing they were gathered around Lucy's phone and didn't want to get caught using Chris's wifi.

"CAUGHT YOU! Break up the counter-alliance!" Nelly screamed.

Everyone just stood there confused.

"Um, actually we just found wifi…" Nick stammered.

Olivia was not impressed with his excuse. "THAT'S BULLS…oh." She said as she noticed Lucy's phone. "Why don't we look up the probability of a naturally occurring blizzard in this time of year and region, which I predict is highly unlikely, if not impossible."

"Tomorrow" Nick responded. "First let's do the challenge. I bet the other team's way ahead." The Tigers agreed and made their way back to their shelter site.

*Confessional-Nick*

"She called us a counter-alliance. You can't have a counter-alliance without an original alliance. Nelly and Olivia are up to something!"

*End confessional*

* * *

Chris and Chef surveyed the island from Chris's helicopter. Jason added some large logs to the Eagles' shelter, while other teammates added some roofing materials. Everyone was helping except for John, who was just standing around and blabbing about how "cool" it was that Pahkitew Island blew up. "Did they _air_ that shit? If they did I wanna see it! Ooh how graphic do you guys think the footage is?" Everyone just gave him disgusted looks.

A minute later Jane shouted "CHRIS! WE'RE FINSIHED!" Chris looked down at the team.

"And it looks like you did a decent job, too! THE SOARING EAGLES WIN IMMUNITY! PROBABLY!" He shouted into his megaphone so the entire island could hear. The Eagles cheered.

The Tigers groaned except for Leah.

"We should finish building our shelter anyway. We still need somewhere to sleep." Nelly stated. The team got back to work.

Leah smiled. Her team would probably be voting someone off, and she'd just have to ask her teammates to vote for her while Chris and the cameras weren't listening. She would go home and be the first person freed from this horrific death trap of a TV show.

The eagles were happily celebrating their probable victory.

*Confessional-Jane*

"Jason's strong! He's useful in challenges! I'm so glad we don't have to vote off someone-I mean Jason! Jason's a major threat to me. He HATES everything popular. All the guys in school only like me because everyone else does. Getting Jason to like me would be a lot more meaningful…No! I only wanna keep him because he's good at challenges! Please don't air this!"

*End confessional*

Molly noticed Arnold wasn't celebrating. "Come on! Smile! We won probably!"

"It's too good to be true." Arnold responded. "There's probably gonna be a catch. What was that thing Chris said about dangerous animals?"

"Been waiting for someone to ask that!" Chris sneered. He pushed a button on a remote and several cages popped out of the ground and opened. The Soaring Eagles were promptly attacked by actual eagles while the Ferocious Tigers were attacked by actual tigers.

"These animals have been stuck in cages for a while, so they're pretty pissed! That's why I'm in the safety of my helicopter!" Chris shouted and quickly shut the helicopter door.

"Wow, I've never seen wildlife so close up-AAAAHHH!" Ariana screamed as an eagle started clawing her face.

"Ha! This is so cool!" John laughed at her misfortune. Another eagle started clawing John's face. "I take it back! This is not cool! AAAAAHHH!"

"I know what to do!" Leah shouted to her team. "Stop, drop, and roll! Wait that's for fire, not tigers! Get under the tables? Wait that's for Earthquakes! I can't remember what to do AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

In her panic, Leah managed to do the worst possible thing one could do around tigers. She ran. The tigers immediately chased after her.

"Thanks for getting the tigers away from the rest of us and our shelter!" Nelly shouted to her.

"Chef, keep an eye on her. She might need to go to the infirmary." Chris commanded.

Once the eagles were done mauling the Soaring Eagles they went after the team's shelter. Several birds ripped up the roof and carried pieces of the shelter away in their talons. Jason grabbed a long stick and whacked it at the birds until most of them dropped their stuff and flew off. He gathered the dropped parts and started to repair the damaged shelter.

"Not allowed!" Chris shouted from the sky. "Not after you've declared you shelter finished! Either leave it as it, or fix it and risk the other team finishing first! Heck, the other team might already be finished. Who knows?"

Jane surveyed the damage. "Doesn't look too bad. We'll leave it as is." She announced. Jason disagreed for the millionth time, but he was already far enough on the outs, so he reluctantly said "I agree."

The next morning, Chris arrived at the Eagles' camp.

"TIME TO ANNOUNCE THE FINAL WINNER!" He yelled into his powerful island-wide megaphone, obnoxiously waking the Eagles up. The teammates got out of their shelter completely soaked.

"We might've _slightly_ underestimated the damage." Molly admitted.

"You guys look awfully wet." Chris stated.

If that wasn't bad enough, a tiny bird landed on the shelter. The whole thing immediately collapsed.

"THE EAGLES ARE TOTALLY WET, AND THEIR SHELTER TOTALLY SUCKS! WELL, SUCKED, SINCE IT'S NO LONGER MUCH OF A SHELTER. TIGERS WIN IMMUNITY!" Chris shouted into the megaphone. "EAGLES! BE AT THE ELIMINATION AREA IN TEN MINUTES!"

The Eagles groaned. The Tigers cheered except for a very scratched up Leah.

Jane whispered to Jason "You're good at challenges. Useful to the team. So I _might_ tell my blind followers to vote for someone else today, except for the blind follower who's getting voted off, of course. But you'd better win the challenges and quit rebelling against me or you're next! Understand?"

* * *

"Are the black curtains around the elimination area really necessary? Arnold grumbled.

"Yes! It has to look like it's night to be dramatic!" Chris insisted.

"And you can't just wait until it's actually night to do this?"

"This episode's supposed to air tonight! This one's on a weird schedule since it took two days. Now let's hurry! There's somewhere I need to be!"

Chris explained the usual rules and proceeded to hand out the marshmallows.

"Jane, Ariana, Molly, you're all safe. For now." Jason, John and Arnold remained.

"Jason, you're about as far on the outs as one can get. Maybe even further. John, you didn't help your team, and kinda creeped everyone out with your obsession over Pahkitew Island blowing up. Arnold, you just _had_ to make that comment about the animals. Although let's be honest, I probably would've released the animals anyway. Too bad the votes have already been cast."

…

"Jason, you're safe!"

Chris tossed Jason a marshmallow. John started to get nervous, while Arnold just looked like his usual negative self.

"And the final marshmallow goes to…"

…

…

…

"Arnold."

"WHAT?! John screamed! "I'll blow you fuckers up just like the Pahkitew Island losers!"

Since the network had banned Chris from using another dangerous elimination device, Chef dragged John to the loser boat. Chris signed off the episode and boarded the loser boat with John. He had to go somewhere important.

* * *

The hospital room was bright and ugly. A pitiful "get well soon" balloon floated in the corner. Since the new Total Drama season wouldn't air for several hours, Jasmine was watching her second favorite show, _Survivor._ She watched a lot of TV to take her mind off the other contestants. When the island blew, Jasmine, Shawn and Scarlett had managed to stay alive-ish. All were severely injured including Scarlett, since she'd had a hard time reaching the escape pod after Sugar tied her up in her own hair. As for Sugar, Sky and max…Jasmine stared at the _Survivor_ episode on the screen. Let's just say the show's title didn't describe them.

Chris entered the room with all the Pahkitew Island contestants who weren't blown up, with the exception of Dave, who was absent. Dave hated the three surviving contestants simply for not being named Sky. Jasmine seriously wished he could just focus his anger on Scarlett. She missed Sky too, and Dave's hatred just made it worse. She didn't hate him back, though.

Jasmine was glad to see the contestants who showed up, but wasn't particularly impressed with Chris's presence.

"Since when have you cared about your contestants? Nice phony attempt to avoid getting sued quite as bad." Was the first thing she said to Chris.

Chris was expecting it.

"I'm not here because I care. I'm gonna be honest, I don't. I'm here because, well, you were never voted off. And right now I'm filming a season with some newbies. So when you're recovered enough, would you be willing to get back in the game?"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I still don't own Total Drama

 _I'm not here because I care. I'm gonna be honest, I don't. I'm here because, well, you were never voted off. And right now I'm filming a season with some newbies. So when you're recovered enough, would you be willing to get back in the game?_

Jasmine scowled at Chris. Out of _all_ the people he could've asked to compete, the person who'd almost died and seen her fellow contestants actually die competing was THE SINGLE WORST POSSIBLE CHOICE. It wouldn't have been hard for Jasmine to just shout anything along the lines of "NOT A CHANCE YOU INSENSATIVE DICK!" She knew she _definitely_ wasn't a Total Drama fan anymore. Still, her only response was "Is it safe?"

"Yep, much safer." Chris assured her.

"On a scale of zero to negative ten, how honest are you being?"

"Honest. I can't afford any more lawsuits. And it's safe enough that Shawn and Scarlett agreed to compete."

"Probably because you threatened to send Scarlett to jail if she refused. As for Shawn, let me guess, you told him zombies were coming and your show was the only zombie-proof place?"

"Bingo!"

"So I can add lying to my boyfriend to your list of dick moves."

"Can you use your hands?"

"Sort of."

Chris gave Jasmine a paper and pen. He smiled.

"I know you like Total Drama. Otherwise you wouldn't have auditioned. If you want another shot at the million, all you have to do is sign the contract and give me a call. Think about it." the host said as he left the room.

Chris was right. She did love the show, but only when she wasn't on it. Even if it was safe, Chris was an ass to be around, and it seemed kinda disrespectful to just go right back on the show as if the lives it took didn't matter. On the other hand, Sky was her friend, so sky probably would've wanted her to get back in it and win it. Jasmine finally picked up the paper and pen, but she didn't give Chris a call. Chris would discover the signed contract if and only if he cared enough to come back on his own.

After he left Jasmine's room, Chris had to make a call of his own. Chris had told Jasmine the truth about the new season being safer (safer by Total Drama's low standards, that is) but he'd lied about one thing. Chris wasn't inviting Jasmine back because she was never voted off. He also planned to invite a contestant who had been voted off, although one could argue that it was more of a quit since he voted for himself. But Chris doubted Jasmine would agree to be on the show if she knew he was there.

 _And it would've been Sky going home if you hadn't voted for yourself._

Those were the worst words Chris had ever said to him. It was bad enough when Sky rejected him so hard that Dave decided he didn't want to be in the game at all if he couldn't be with her. And then Sky didn't even say goodbye to him. And then Sky died in the explosion, which _really_ ruined his chances of ever getting together with her. Shawn and Jasmine later told Dave how Sky had actually tried to say to say goodbye but she was too late.

"At least she didn't die hating you. She really did care." They said.

Sure they meant well, but that knowledge only made it worse. Sky really did care. She wasn't just a bitch, and she didn't deserve what happened it her.

 _And it would've been Sky going home if you hadn't voted for yourself._

Dave knew her death was his own damn fault. If only he hadn't gotten himself eliminated the night before the disaster, Sky would've been safely off the island. And Dave would've been there to stop the self-destruct sequence and save everyone, which he was sure _he_ could've done. Dave had to hate the others or else he'd hate himself. Why did Jasmine and Shawn have to tell him that horrible knowledge?! Why did they get to keep living but not Sky?! Why did Chris have to put them on a self-destructing island, and WHY DID SCARLETT HAVE TO BLOW THE DAMN THING UP?! Being mad at everyone else was the only way to forget the terrible thing he'd done.

Dave's cell phone rang. He picked it up. The despicable voice on the other end almost made him hang up immediately.

"Yo Dave, wanna compete on the new Total Drama season? It's not too late to join!" Chris asked cheerfully.

That got Dave's attention. He dug for more info, putting off the urge to recite every curse word in existence.

"The one with the newbies? I read about it online."

"Correct, all newbies!" Chris answered. Chris doubted Dave would agree to be on the show if he knew Jasmine, Shawn, and Scarlett were joining.

The season wouldn't premiere until that night, but Dave had seen teasers and descriptions online. According to Chrisipedia, Chris rescued a bunch of lost teens who then chose to stay on his show and compete so Chris could brag about what a "hero" he was on television! Now the public would be so obsessed with Chris's "heroism" that everyone would forget that Chris caused Sky's death! Dave would never forget. Those newbies let Chris off the hook by choosing to go on his show and letting Chris make a huge deal out of his _one_ good deed. Dave could add them to the list of people he hated.

"Chris, I despise you and your show. But I will compete with the newbies, and I'll eliminate every single one of them!" Dave finally said into the phone.

"Great!" Chris responded. "You'll debut in episode number-"

* * *

After their unusual morning elimination ceremony, the contestants on the island had a few hours to relax and strategize before their next challenge. Leah quietly led her team away from any cameras.

"Guys, I seriously don't want to be here. This place is not safe. So next time we lose, I want you all to vote for me. You can't tell anyone I said this, and you can't mention it on camera. Okay?" Leah whispered.

Regardless of what they thought of Leah, her teammates liked the idea of an easy elimination where they knew they wouldn't be the one booted.

"Okay" they decided.

Chris rudely barged into the Eagles' shitty shelter with his megaphone. The megaphone was loud enough for the whole island to hear at once, but Chris went up to each team separately just so he could annoy them and make their eardrums bleed.

"ATTENTION CAMPERS! MEET ME AT THIS NEW ISLAND'S NEW DOCK OF SHAME! IT'S CHALLENGE TIME!"

The poor Eagles covered their ears as they came out of their shelter.

The Tigers' turn was next. Chris arrived at their camp.

"ATTENTION CAMPERS! MEET ME AT…" Chris trailed off as he noticed none of the tigers were there.

"TIGERS! WHERE ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" The Tigers hurried back to camp, all looking rather ashamed, especially Leah.

"Uh, nothing!" Leah stammered. "We just, uh, found some berries!"

"Well that doesn't sound suspicious at all!" Chris said sarcastically.

"Leah you really need to take a lesson in coming up with excuses because everyone knows you of all people wouldn't be on board with looking for potentially poisonous mystery berries." Nelly stopped when she realized she could also get in trouble as an accomplice if Leah was caught. "But Leah's right!" She quickly added.

Olivia just had to correct Nelly. "Actually it's not a bad excuse. Maybe she was with us because she was trying to warn us." She pointed out. Nelly's face reddened in anger. She barely stifled her urge to yell at Olivia for ten minutes straight.

*Confessional-Nelly*

"ARGHH! Must! Not! Show! Any! Anger! I can't let her get suspicious that our alliance is temporary!"

*End Confessional*

*Confessional-Olivia*

"She did it again! She didn't get mad! She's not being herself. What's wrong with her? Can I not trust her?"

*End Confessional*

"Wow, you guys are sounding _less_ and _less_ suspicious each second." Chris said with even more sarcasm. "I'll be keeping an eye on you!"

Once both teams were at the new dock of new shame, Chris explained the challenge.

"America recently had a _shocking_ election,* and it's our Canadian duty to mock the crap out of it! What could _possibly_ be more outrageous, crazy, hilarious, feisty, scandalous and utterly ridiculous than the American 2016 election? Here's what: This Total Drama mock-election challenge! Here's how it works: Your teams are now political parties. Each team with pick a team captain, aka candidate. There will be a multi-part challenge, and at the end of it all, our peanut gallery will vote for the winning candidate." The camera panned over to a peanut gallery of every past Total Drama contestant, except for the final six Pahkitew Islanders. "The winning candidate wins immunity for their team! Parties, pick your candidates!"

"I nominate myself for team candidate since I'm naturally popular." Jane suggested to the Eagles. "Besides I've been in the student government, so I'm experienced at winning elections. Any objections?"

"Yes!" Jason predictably objected. "Fuck the popularity establishment! You should pick an outside rebel like me!"

"JASON SANDERS DO YOU SERIOUSLY HAVE TO DISSAGREE WITH EVERYTHING I SAY?! It's obvious you're gonna be outvoted again!" Jane snapped. She turned back to the eagles.

"Who should be the candidate, me or him?" The eagles predictably nominated Jane.

*Confessional-Jane*

"I have to be our Candidate! I'm way more likely to win us immunity than Jason, and I don't want to have to vote Jason off. Because he's very strong and therefore useful in challenges! Yes, that's the only reason!"

"Yeah right!" Jason shouted from outside the confessional. "Everyone knows physical strength will be _so_ useful when convincing the peanut gallery to vote for us, however that's supposed to work. What's the real reason?"

"Uh, you're also witty which will be useful today!" Jane added.

"Well if I'm so useful then why don't you make me the candidate?!"

"Shut up!"

*End confessional*

On the Tigers side, everyone except Leah was arguing and trying to nominate themselves, although Not That Ryan wasn't really sure whether he wanted to nominate himself or not. The tigers put it to a vote, and decided that since Nelly had managed not to lose her temper to Oliva for a change she deserved a chance.

"Thanks! I'll put on a great show and make Total Drama great again!" Nelly cheered.

"Jane and Nelly, interesting Candidates." Chris remarked. "Everyone will have a few hours of free time while I set up the first part of the challenge! You can go anywhere except your camps. You'll find out why!"

"Welcome back, teams-I mean parties!" Chris announced. "Who's ready to find out what you'll be doing?"

Everyone just stood there, not saying anything.

"Great! Glad to see you're so enthusiastic! Your camps have been stocked with dirty, dark, embarrassing secrets about your candidates. Part one of your challenge is to raid the other team's camp and find as many dirty secrets as you can in ten minutes. They will be in folded papers. You'll need them for part two! Do not read them until them. Now GO!"

* * *

The Eagles weren't having much luck at the Tigers' camp.

"Ugh I'm not even surprised we can't find anything. We're so gonna lose." Arnold moped.

"We will with that attitude! Stop being so negative!" Molly snapped.

"You're being negative about my negativity." Arnold pointed out.

*Confessional-Molly*

"I'm never negative. Negativity is the worst thing _ever_ and just a tiny bit of negativity from anyone ruins everything! Thanks to his negativity this whole challenge is completely _ruined_ and we'll _definitely loose_ and this whole day will _suck!_ As you can see, I'm never negative!"

*End confessional*

"You're so annoying you are so eliminated!" Molly muttered at Arnold.

"No you are so…right. Ugh I am so eliminated." Arnold groaned.

A quiet Eagle named Arianna was doodling in the sand with a stick.

"Hey guys, I'm designing, like, a campaign logo! It has an arrow because our candidate will go really far in the game, and it should be pink because I like pink!"

Jason rolled his eyes.

"A _pink_ arrow pointing to the _right_? The _Tigers_ are pink and on the right side of the island! Jane will look like a Tiger with that piece of shit!"**

"Yeah, we'll lose extra hard with that thing." Arnold agreed.

"I like it." Jane encouraged Arianna. "You could even be my vice president" she said even though there was no rule that she had to have one. She didn't like it at all, but she knew how to suck up to people to get them on her side. Arianna would make a good brainless long-term ally.

* * *

The Tigers were all busily searching the Eagles' camp for secrets except for Leah who was doing nothing, much to her teammates' annoyance. They repeatedly and unsuccessfully encouraged her to participate. Everyone knew she wanted to lose, but couldn't easily talk her out of it without revealing it and possibly being considered accomplices just for not telling Chris immediately. Nick thought of an idea as he picked up yet another folded paper with juicy gossip inside.

"Hey Leah, since you aren't doing anything else why don't you go to _our_ camp and collect some of these? Hint hint!"

"But we're supposed to collect the _Eagles'_ secrets, not ours." Leah whispered to him. She was liking his horrible idea though.

"I know." Nick replied.

That settled it. Leah smiled as she decided that Nick wasn't just dumb, he was trying to help her. That was exactly what Nick wanted her to think.

"Great idea Nick!" Not That Ryan blurted out without thinking. "She'll find and take our secrets before the Eagles do and sabotage the eagles! We'll win."

That eliminated any chance of Leah falling for it. Nick couldn't have been more annoyed.

"You shouldn't have said that out loud!" He whispered angrily to Not That Ryan.

"Sorry, I take everything back!" Not That Ryan said out loud. "Can I redeem myself by being vice president?"

"Only if you quit being such a flip-flopper! A politician has to stick to what they say!" Nelly insisted.

"But what if the first thing out of my mouth is stupid and poorly thought out?"

"Stick to it!"

"I changed my mind. Can I actually not be vice president?"

"No! Stick to it!"

* * *

After ten minutes, both teams had managed to collect a decent number of secrets. The teams met back up with Chris and the peanut gallery, and it was time for part two of the challenge.

"Part two of the challenge is a DEBATE between the two candidates, which on Total Drama is more like an EPIC ARGUMENT! Personal attacks and losing your temper are encouraged! Non candidates, you may now read the secrets. Each time the timer goes off, your job is to feed your candidate _one_ dirty secret to use against her opponent. Only one at a time! You may or may not ever get to use them all, so choose carefully! Begin!"

After discussing it with her team, Arianna handed Jane her first secret.

"I'll start this debate by pointing out that that Helly over there last wet the bed when she was _twelve_!" Jane announced.

The Peanut gallery laughed and snickered at Nelly.

"Um, it's a medical condition that I have no control over!" Nelly rebutted. "Calling me out for that is DISCRIMINATION you stupid inferior non Canadian! Yup that's right you weren't born in Canada and that's not even on the secrets I already knew that because I'm smart!"

Not That Ryan handed Nelly her first secret without bothering to decide with his teammates, much to their annoyance. Nelly read it.

"However Jane sure has control over the fact that she _still_ uses her ilovehellokitty ****.com email address, which we created when she was seven!"

The peanut gallery laughed at Jane. The girls continued to argue over who was more babyish. Arianna tried pitifully to support Jane by holding up a sign with her ridiculous logo.

The timer went off. Not That Ryan handed Nelly a second piece of gossip, again without bothering to get his team's input.

"Jane will cheat on Total Drama just like she cheated on her former boyfriend!" Nelly announced.

Jane gulped. Her ex was from outside of school, and that info now getting out had to hurt her chances with a certain rebel…She quickly caught herself. She shouldn't be having those thoughts when she was _definitely not_ into Jason. She quickly recovered and looked at the second secret her team had given her.

"At least that's not as bad as your _fifteen_ exes in two years! I only have one!"

"Yeah, because you screwed up so bad you can't even get a new boyfriend! No guy would say yes to a cheater!"

Jane was about to remind Nelly and the peanut gallery that all the boys in school fought over her, but they didn't know her past romantic mistake until now, so that didn't even count. And so much for getting Jason to like her. She tried to hide her sadness and think of a rebuttal. She wasn't going to lose it! It was Total Drama common sense rule #5,384. Never fall in love with your biggest threat! And if you do fall in love with your biggest threat, never let it mess up your game! But apparently Jason's inability to follow rules was contagious. She was going to lose it.

Jane just stood there in awkward silence for several moments, trying to think of something to say while simultaneously trying not to cry. The peanut gallery was not impressed. The fact that she now might actually lose to that obnoxious uncool Nelly overachiever didn't exactly improve Jane's mood or concentration.

Eventually the timer went off again.

Not That Ryan picked a secret and handed it to Nelly, ignoring his teammates for the third time.

"New topic, Jane was caught underage drinking when her _dog_ carried an empty beer can to her parents, which led to them searching her room and _also_ finding plenty of condom wrappers in the trash." Nelly announced.

The peanut gallery laughed.

"Wow, what a lame way to get caught! I could do better!" Duncan piped up.

Jason came to Jane's defense.

"Okay that part's lame, but the underage drinking part is really rebellious and cool!"

Jane blushed and smiled, flattered. She was in a better mood now, and ready to get her head back in the game. Unfortunately she couldn't do her usual good job at hiding her true emotions, and the surprised Tigers caught on.

"Ugh, great! Now she's all confident and ready to kick our butts again because of Jason's stupid comment because of your secret choice, Ryan!" Nelly quietly grumbled at him.

"Hey! Why kind of shitty candidate criticizes their own vice president?!" Not That Ryan screamed defensively.

"It's okay if you don't show it out loud, like _you just did_! Thanks a lot for letting the peanut gallery hear!" Nelly snapped back at him.

"Guys, focus on the debate" Olivia reminded them. "But Ryan, it's supposed to be the whole team's decision, not just yours."

"Fuck that it should be mine since I'm vice president!" Not That Ryan blurted out.

"Take that back!" Nelly ordered.

"No!" Not That Ryan insisted.

Nelly was losing her temper. "I'm sorry vice president but you're fired!" Then she addressed the peanut gallery. "Anyways I'll be a good leader because I'm real smart and I have straight As so vote for me!"

"But she's a fraud who would have straight F's if she didn't cheat on everything ever!" Jane argued back after her teammates picked and handed her a third secret.

"But it's okay for her to steal other people's answers because she only stole from inferior non-Canadian students!" Not That Ryan argued.

"So basically that means she's a hypocrite who thinks non-Canadians suck but exploits them herself!" Jane pointed out.

Not That Ryan gulped in embarrassment. "Oops, that backfired. I…DON'T TAKE IT BACK! MY TEAM IS RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG!"

"Nelly I respect you and I hope you get lots of votes…at the next elimination ceremony!" Jane sneered.

"Oooh, savage!" The peanut gallery responded.

The remainder of the debate included topics such as Nelly's animal porn stash, Jane accidently eating bird poop as a baby, Nelly still watching Sesame Street and Jane's internet search history. Eventually it was time for the peanut gallery to vote.

"Since I don't want to count so many votes, we're bringing back the electronic voting devices from TDA. And the winner of the popular vote is…

…

…Jane! The Soaring Eagles win immunity!" Chris announced.

The Eagles cheered. The Tigers groaned except for Leah.

* * *

Rather than heading back to their shelter, the Tigers went towards the wifi zone they'd discovered for their daily internet fix. This time they all brought their own phones, and immediately started yelling at each other for hogging the limited bandwidth. Nick was glad that he could check his social media in peace without anyone busting in and yelling about "counter alliances." Olivia was doing some more research on the show.

"Uh, guys" She whispered, pointing to her phone. "Look at this show description. It's no secret we're on Total Drama, but no one knows we were forced to be here! It claims we chose to stay on the show!"

"But…what about all our complaints?" Leah asked.

"Must've been edited out."

"Whoa, now Chris is even more uncool!" Nick said angrily.

"Like you?" Nelly responded.

Nick tried to punch Nelly but failed miserably due to being a weak wimp.

"Anyways, we should post a message online." He suggested. "Expose Chris and let everyone know we were forced-"

"CAUGHT YOU!" Chris screamed, startling the contestants. "So THAT'S why you were acting all suspicious this morning! I'm putting a password on my wifi!"

"NOOOOOOOO I need my internet!" Lucy screamed.

At the Eagles camp, Molly and Arnold were annoying each other as usual, and Jason was burning a giant middle finger into the grass with a magnifying glass. Jane approached Arianna. She needed some dumb allies in case things worked out terribly with the rebel and he somehow managed to turn people against her, and the non-blonde Lindsay clone was her first pic.

"Arianna, wanna form an alliance?"

"Why, is whatever country you were born in at war with Canada?"

Jane facepalmed. "No, in the game! We agree on who to vote off and we don't vote for each other! It means I won't vote you off."

"If I form an alliance with you I won't get voted off? Ever?"

"Uh, sure, yeah" Jane said and it was official.

On the Tiger's side, Nick also had alliances on his mind. He was already suspicious of Nelly and Olivia, but they weren't about to confess their alliance. That is, unless he could convince them he wanted to join it. Nick whispered to Nelly and Olivia that he wanted to talk to them privately, and the three of them left the Tiger group.

"So, I know you guys have an alliance. But don't worry, I won't tell anyone…if you let me in. Deal?"

The allies knew they'd probably eventually get caught if they tried to deny it, and having an extra member would be nice. They paused for a moment.

"Deal" Nelly eventually said.

As for whether it was really a deal, Nick had time to decide. He could've just formed a counter alliance with the other Tigers and had his four against their two, except for the fact that Leah was insistent on getting herself eliminated. After Leah's elimination, there would be the two allies, two non-allies, and Nick. Nick could probably prompt the two non-allies, Lucy and Ryan, to form an alliance, creating two groups of two plus Nick. Nick would then expose both alliances, so they would target each other and both try to pull Nick to their side. He would then be the swing vote with all the power to decide who was going home. He liked that arrangement, so confirming and possibly joining the Nelly/Oliva alliance was a nice investment for the future.

Nick, Nelly and Oliva met back up with the other Tigers in the woods on the way back to their camp. Not That Ryan scanned the area for any cameras and found none. It was safe to talk.

"Glad the whole team's back together!" He said. "I know we're not supposed to strategize off camera, but we've already done a lot of stuff we're not supposed to do, and I need to suggest something _here._ "

"Okay. At least getting caught with the wifi means I'm off the hook for trying to get eliminated." Leah said.

"Yeah, it's about that." Not That Ryan said. "You weren't helping us find secrets at ALL, and I think you were trying to make us lose on purpose! You may think that's okay because it's gonna be you and it doesn't put us in danger of elimination, but it's not okay! If we waste our easy out and boot you when you try to lose, what will we do later if we lose unintentionally?! We can only afford so many losses, so you'd better wait until we lose unintentionally! As punishment for Leah's actions, I suggest _not_ voting her off until she starts actually trying to make us win! Who's with me?"

* * *

At the elimination ceremony, everyone looked pretty confident except for Leah, who was afraid of staying _in_ the death trap of a game. Chris brought out the plate of five marshmallows.

"Lucy, Nick, Olivia, you're safe. For now." Chris tossed them their marshmallows. Nick failed to catch his.

"Nelly, you're safe."

Nelly caught her marshmallow.

"And the final marshmallow goes to…

…

…

…

"Leah. Not That Ryan, you're eliminated!"

"Nooo! What the hell, guys?!" Leah shouted.

"Nooo! What the hell, guys?!" Not That Ryan shouted.

"Well Ryan, you asked us to vote for someone other than Leah, and we took your advice!" Nelly commented as Chef dragged him off to the boat of losers.

"Well that was a surprisingly unanimous non-surprise! I never saw much footage of them discussing who to vote for. Some team! Some strategists! Will these people be completely screwed at the merge? Find out several episodes after next time, right here on Total Drama: Not Pahkitew Island!" Chris said as he signed off the episode, before boarding the loser boat with the contestant and heading off to god knows where.

* * *

Being stuck in the hospital sucked as much as ever, but the Total Drama season premiere made one half hour semi-tolerable. Someone entered the room as Jasmine watched the episode that had been mostly filmed the day before and was just airing now. It was Chris.

"Wow, you actually care. Now let me watch the show and don't interrupt." She said, barely looking at him.

Sure, he could let her think he came because he cared.

"I'd never interrupt my own awesome show. What are you doing, checking out your future competition?"

Jasmine rolled her eyes.

"Just watching! It's my favorite show! To _watch,_ that is!"

"The signed contract indicates otherwise."

"Well I still hate you and I'm still suing the show."

"Whatever. I'll be nice and shut up and let you finish the show.

"Thanks."

They watched the rest of the episode together in silence. Chris was the first to speak after the show ended.

"How much do you hate me? Like if you won the show, would you still sue me?"

"Maybe."

"Really? It's hard to be mad at someone who gave you a million bucks."

"Fine. I probably wouldn't. It is hard to mad at someone who gives you a million bucks."

"Yep, hard to complain if you win." Chris smiled as he took the contract and left. It was the answer Chris was hoping for! He wouldn't tell Jasmine though. She seemed like one of those lame honest people who would object. Once again, Chris got out his phone as he started to walk back down the hall.

"Yes Chef, I'll make sure one of the survivors wins."

Pause

"Yes, the girl."

Excited by all the good news, Chris didn't realize that he wasn't quite far enough away this time, and a certain Australian girl was listening in on the conversation.

 **A/N**

*Yes I know the election didn't happen right after TDPI, but in this story it did.

**Hillary Clinton reference lol. There are a bunch of other election references here (Bernie Sanders, Trump's slogan, Clinton's emails, Trump University fraud, his anti-immigration etc.) but the others are more obvious.


End file.
